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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis

BOSTON—Irked that a reporter had once again referred to him as "Big Baby" while asking him a question about the NBA lockout, Boston Celtics center Glen "Pencil Dick" Davis lashed out at fans and the media Monday for continuing to call him by his renounced nickname. "I understand people like calling me 'Big Baby' and all that, but it really bothers me, and it's demeaning," Pencil Dick said. "I just don't think 'Big Baby' defines me at all, not anymore. If anything, you should call me Big [Pencil Dick] or Mr. [Pencil Dick]. Even [Pencil Dick] would be fine." None of Davis' teammates could be reached for comment, including Kevin "The Big Fuckface" Garnett.

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