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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis

BOSTON—Irked that a reporter had once again referred to him as "Big Baby" while asking him a question about the NBA lockout, Boston Celtics center Glen "Pencil Dick" Davis lashed out at fans and the media Monday for continuing to call him by his renounced nickname. "I understand people like calling me 'Big Baby' and all that, but it really bothers me, and it's demeaning," Pencil Dick said. "I just don't think 'Big Baby' defines me at all, not anymore. If anything, you should call me Big [Pencil Dick] or Mr. [Pencil Dick]. Even [Pencil Dick] would be fine." None of Davis' teammates could be reached for comment, including Kevin "The Big Fuckface" Garnett.

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