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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist

DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sources reported. "So then there's this other bounty hunter, and he's also after Charles Grodin, except he's kind of dumb so they always outsmart him," said Bennett, providing a 20-minute synopsis of the sleeper-hit buddy-movie to his clinical psychologist. "There's this funny scene where Robert De Niro yells the guy's name and points behind him, and then the guy turns around and De Niro conks him over the head. Anyway, it's actually a really good movie." The Martin Brest–directed film was released in July 1988, nearly four years to the day after Bennett was first sexually molested by his older stepbrother, Neil.

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