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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pocket Electronic-Bible-Verse Database Coveted

FLATWOODS, KY—A local prayer meeting ended in covetousness Saturday, when Marvin Teely, 35, enviously eyed fellow parishioner Janice Hough's Franklin Electronic-Bible-Verse Finder. "Why should Janice have the power to search the entire King James Bible for any word or phrase at the convenient touch of a button?" Teely asked. "She's never done a hard day's work in her life. By right, that database should be mine." The incident marks the third commandment broken by Teely at a prayer meeting in the past year.

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