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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Podcaster Makes Solemn Promise To Improve Sound Quality Next Episode

AUSTIN, TX—Apologizing profusely for the scratchy tone and uneven audio levels, local man Thomas Gebhard, host of the weekly podcast The Best Is History, solemnly vowed to his listeners Wednesday that the sound quality would be vastly improved for the next episode. “Before we get into anything today, I’d like to apologize to all of you about the audio quality—we had to switch microphones at the last minute, but I promise you everything will be fixed next week,” said Gebhard, assuring his audience that he was well aware of how profoundly poor sound could detract from an otherwise enjoyable history podcast. “Regular listeners will know that I make every effort to present a professional-quality production. Today I fell far, far short of that standard, and for that I am truly sorry.” Sources later confirmed that the sound remained subpar in the following episode and that a disconsolate Gebhard told listeners he’d understand if they never downloaded another episode again.


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