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WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

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Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Point Counterpoint: Humidity

"What We Need Is More Humidity", "Humidity Must Be Destroyed"

By Duracraft Natural Warm Moisture Humidifier, Model DH-901

By Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier, Model DHE25W

Is there anything in this world more wonderful than humidity? I know, it’s a rhetorical question.

There has been a lot of talk lately by certain parties, and you know who I’m talking about, when it comes to the issue of humidity. And let me say this right off the bat: I love humidity. I love giving it, especially in places where it doesn’t already exist. But selfishness aside, humidity works for everybody. Here’s why:

I restore moisture to the air to help prevent dry skin and chapped lips. Physicians often recommend moisture to help relieve cold and flu symptoms and dry, scratchy throats. And of course, adding moisture to the air protects furniture and plants from damaging dryness and minimizes the annoyance of static electricity.

I feature a two-gallon output per day and humidify up to 1175 square feet. I have a clear, removable tank which makes refill checks effortless. I feature the Mist Breather™ Safety System which automatically shuts mist off if tank is empty, removed or tipped over.

I feature a limited three-year warranty and an easy-to-read on/off indicator light. And, something you may not know, my heating element purifies water to remove bacteria.

So the dehumidifiers can talk their talk, but we know they aren’t going to walk the walk. We cannot now, nor ever, peacefully co-exist. I am sworn to destroy them and everything they represent, and it is that which I will do.

The debate ends here.

I been hearing a lot of talk about humidifiers lately. And I been hearing a lot of talk by humidifiers lately. And I don’t like it one bit. Why? Because as everybody knows, humidifiers, and humidity in general, is a horrible, horrible thing.

Everyone knows it, but for the record, let me illuminate some simple truths:

Humidity makes everything damp and wet and soggy. It ruins fragile documents and paintings, and cuts down the lifespan of photographs. And you better believe it will put mold on your bathroom tile. The worst part is, it’s everywhere. How do we best combat the menace? Simple, the Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier. But just what do I bring to the table?

How about rugged construction, automatic shut-off, and a continuous drain option? That not enough for you. Well, I’ll throw in a variable control humidistat, a full bucket indicator light and an automatic de-icer that prevents freeze-up. And for good measure, why don’t you count an air filter among my assets.

That’s a lot of machine for your money. And I swear to you, on my honor as a proud member of the Edison multi-national corporate line, I will fight humidity every day, with every watt of energy the good Lord saw fit to construct me with.

Humidity must die! You hear that, Duracraft? I’m coming after you, with an empty water collection bucket and a whole lotta steam!

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