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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Point Counterpoint: Humidity

"What We Need Is More Humidity", "Humidity Must Be Destroyed"

By Duracraft Natural Warm Moisture Humidifier, Model DH-901

By Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier, Model DHE25W

Is there anything in this world more wonderful than humidity? I know, it’s a rhetorical question.

There has been a lot of talk lately by certain parties, and you know who I’m talking about, when it comes to the issue of humidity. And let me say this right off the bat: I love humidity. I love giving it, especially in places where it doesn’t already exist. But selfishness aside, humidity works for everybody. Here’s why:

I restore moisture to the air to help prevent dry skin and chapped lips. Physicians often recommend moisture to help relieve cold and flu symptoms and dry, scratchy throats. And of course, adding moisture to the air protects furniture and plants from damaging dryness and minimizes the annoyance of static electricity.

I feature a two-gallon output per day and humidify up to 1175 square feet. I have a clear, removable tank which makes refill checks effortless. I feature the Mist Breather™ Safety System which automatically shuts mist off if tank is empty, removed or tipped over.

I feature a limited three-year warranty and an easy-to-read on/off indicator light. And, something you may not know, my heating element purifies water to remove bacteria.

So the dehumidifiers can talk their talk, but we know they aren’t going to walk the walk. We cannot now, nor ever, peacefully co-exist. I am sworn to destroy them and everything they represent, and it is that which I will do.

The debate ends here.

I been hearing a lot of talk about humidifiers lately. And I been hearing a lot of talk by humidifiers lately. And I don’t like it one bit. Why? Because as everybody knows, humidifiers, and humidity in general, is a horrible, horrible thing.

Everyone knows it, but for the record, let me illuminate some simple truths:

Humidity makes everything damp and wet and soggy. It ruins fragile documents and paintings, and cuts down the lifespan of photographs. And you better believe it will put mold on your bathroom tile. The worst part is, it’s everywhere. How do we best combat the menace? Simple, the Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier. But just what do I bring to the table?

How about rugged construction, automatic shut-off, and a continuous drain option? That not enough for you. Well, I’ll throw in a variable control humidistat, a full bucket indicator light and an automatic de-icer that prevents freeze-up. And for good measure, why don’t you count an air filter among my assets.

That’s a lot of machine for your money. And I swear to you, on my honor as a proud member of the Edison multi-national corporate line, I will fight humidity every day, with every watt of energy the good Lord saw fit to construct me with.

Humidity must die! You hear that, Duracraft? I’m coming after you, with an empty water collection bucket and a whole lotta steam!

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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