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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Point-Counterpoint: Reservoir Dogs

by Chad Johnson, Sophomore", "by Dirk Hicks, Junior""Reservoir Dogs is the Best Movie Ever", "Reservoir Dogs is Fucking Awesome"

Reservoir Dogs is the Best Movie Ever

by Chad Johnson, Sophomore

Let me tell you this: Reservoir Dogs is the best movie ever! It’s everything a good movie should be. You got great characters, very funny dialogue and tons of awesome action. Quentin Tarantino is a god.

If I think about all the movies I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot, I cannot think of anything better. Star Wars, Blade Runner and A Clockwork Orange are all pretty cool. They’re all great actually. But Reservoir Dogs blows them away. Why? It’s just so fucking cool!

For example, it’s told in this totally messed-up order. It starts after the crime is over and then goes backwards. That’s nuts! Like they’re constantly jumping back and forth between flashback and present. The way they introduce each character is by flashing back and showing how they got involved in the crime. I can’t even remember what happened first and what happened last, who knows what and who’s the baddest killer, and I’ve seen the movie over 100 times. Trying to follow the story is really hard sometimes. It’s very complex.

I love the scene in the diner where Mr. Pink argues about paying the tip. That’s so funny, ’cause I have friends just like that.

Me and my friends will rent it sometimes and watch the movie in the commons area. (Whitman House rules!) We’ll all wear our Reservoir Dogs T-shirts and each take a character and say his lines. Chicks just don’t understand this at all.

In conclusion, I just want to say that Reservoir Dogs is the greatest movie ever made.

Reservoir Dogs is Fucking Awesome

by Dirk Hicks, Junior

That dude doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Where he comes off with that opinion is beyond me. Reservoir Dogs is fucking awesome!

Harvey Keitel is the baddest dude I’ve ever seen act. And unlike my esteemed colleague, I’ve seen a ton of movies. Three of my favorites are Blade Runner, A Clockwork Orange and Star Wars. Those are some cool movies. But Dogs, as it’s called by people who really fucking love it, like all my friends on my dorm floor (Tremain House kicks ass!), beats them all. It’s like, POW, POW, POW!

There are so many guns in that movie, I bet it has more guns than any other movie. When that guy is bleeding in the back of the car, it’s like, damn, I know what it’s like to be shot in the gut. But he’s a cop—a totally bad-ass cop. When the other cops follow him and make a comment about how crazy Mr. Orange is for going undercover, it’s like Tarantino is making fun of police officers in a really sophisticated way.

Then, when Mr. Blonde beats up that other cop. He really tortures him bad. I kind of felt bad for him, but then I thought, those are the risks you take if you become a cop.

I wanted to beat up a pig once when I got my ID snagged at Duffy’s.

I saw Pulp Fiction, but it wasn’t as good as Dogs. Keitel didn’t have a big enough role, and there were too many stories to follow. A good movie has only one story.

And the end scene, they’re all pointing guns at each other and they all shoot each other. Where’d he come up with that? That’s fucking awesome!

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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