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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend

PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone present attempts to hoist 261-pound Dennis Ware off the ground. "Get under his arms—do it, do it," said Patrick Henson, referring to the large, reserved civil engineer. "He's trying to make himself heavy! Don't let him make himself heavy!" According to party sources, lifting Ware off his feet was quickly followed by the point in the night where everybody realizes they're over 30.

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