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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend

PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone present attempts to hoist 261-pound Dennis Ware off the ground. "Get under his arms—do it, do it," said Patrick Henson, referring to the large, reserved civil engineer. "He's trying to make himself heavy! Don't let him make himself heavy!" According to party sources, lifting Ware off his feet was quickly followed by the point in the night where everybody realizes they're over 30.

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