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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend

PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone present attempts to hoist 261-pound Dennis Ware off the ground. "Get under his arms—do it, do it," said Patrick Henson, referring to the large, reserved civil engineer. "He's trying to make himself heavy! Don't let him make himself heavy!" According to party sources, lifting Ware off his feet was quickly followed by the point in the night where everybody realizes they're over 30.

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