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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Point Of Story Apparently That Man Ate At Restaurant

ELYSBURG, PA—Friends of 33-year-old Dan Leski were subjected Tuesday to a detailed account of his recent visit to a restaurant, the sole point of which was apparently to communicate the fact that Leski had eaten food and then paid for it. "I thought he was going somewhere with it when he mentioned how the waitress had a foreign accent, but nope, that was just a prelude to the part where he ordered his meal," friend Eric Farber said of the story that began with Leski feeling hungry and ended when the bill—$13.95 plus tax and tip—had been settled. "Evidently Dan had lunch at a restaurant the other day. That's about all we learned." Farber told reporters he would probably check the restaurant out himself sometime in the near future.

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