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Tips

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Tips For Writing A Research Paper

Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:

Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:
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Poison-Prevention Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:

Poison-Prevention Tips

  • Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
  • For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
  • Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
  • If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
  • Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
  • If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
  • Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
  • If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
  • If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
  • If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
  • Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
  • If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
  • To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
  • Avoid Snake Island at all costs.
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