Poison-Prevention Tips

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The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Healthy Living

Poison-Prevention Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:

Poison-Prevention Tips

  • Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
  • For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
  • Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
  • If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
  • Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
  • If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
  • Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
  • If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
  • If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
  • If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
  • Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
  • If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
  • To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
  • Avoid Snake Island at all costs.