Poison-Prevention Tips

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Vol 36 Issue 08

Real-Life Family Feud Offers No Fabulous Cash Prizes

LAS CRUCES, NM–Unlike the popular, long-running game show Family Feud, the real-life family feud among members of Las Cruces' DeCinces family does not offer contestants the chance to win exciting cash prizes. "When the hell are you gonna stop undermining every goddamn thing I say in front of the kids?" said Thomas DeCinces, 47, facing off against wife Brenda in the long-running feud, hosted neither by Richard Dawson nor the late Ray Combs. "Kevin and Amy think their father's a fucking joke, thanks to you. And you wonder why I'm out with the guys almost every night." Asked to name something her husband has given her during their 14-year marriage, Brenda said "heartache and misery." The response was the third most popular on the board behind "an alcohol problem" and "that six-inch scar on my throat."

Football Fan Disappointed By 'Super Tuesday'

ROCHESTER, NY–Robert Wychorski, a Rochester-area football fan, expressed disappointment in Super Tuesday, calling it "a pale shadow of Super Sunday." "Man, that completely blew," said Wychorski after watching four hours of Super Tuesday election coverage on CNN. "Where was the spectacular halftime show? Where were the clutch plays? And it wasn't even a close contest." Wychorski, who invited 15 friends over for a Super Tuesday party, said the biggest letdown was the commercials. "I was expecting to see some awesome new ads with special effects, but it was just the same old stuff," he said.

Ex-Marine Says This Rain Nothing

BESSEMER CITY, NC–According to area resident Larry Bohannon, 33, a member of the U.S. Marine Corps for seven years, this rain is nothing. "You call this rain? This ain't rain," Bohannon said to coworker Jeff Smalley, looking out the window of the Jiffy Lube where he now works. "I was stationed in the Philippines back in '93–they had tsunamis that ripped the palm trees right out of the ground." Continued Bohannon: "We'd do 400 push-ups every morning, even at the height of monsoon season. There'd be 50-foot waves crashing over us, but Sgt. Culpepper would make us keep going. Believe me, Jeff, you've never seen rain like that."

Fox Voluntarily Removes Reality From Programming

LOS ANGELES–Responding to public outcry over its controversial reality-based shows, Fox announced Monday that it is removing all reality from its programming. "We have heard the American TV viewer's dissatisfaction with reality and pledge never again to air any content that reflects it whatsoever," said Jonathan Quinlan, vice-president of programming for the embattled network. "From now on, Fox dramas and sitcoms will not contain any plotlines that are the least bit realistic, and such reality-based shows as Fox News At Nine will be canceled altogether." Quinlan noted that Ally McBeal will continue unchanged.

The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?

My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Poison-Prevention Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:

Poison-Prevention Tips

  • Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
  • For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
  • Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
  • If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
  • Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
  • If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
  • Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
  • If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
  • If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
  • If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
  • Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
  • If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
  • To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
  • Avoid Snake Island at all costs.
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