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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Poison-Prevention Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:

Poison-Prevention Tips

  • Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
  • For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
  • Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
  • If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
  • Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
  • If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
  • Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
  • If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
  • If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
  • If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
  • Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
  • If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
  • To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
  • Avoid Snake Island at all costs.
  • More from this section

    Choosing The Right School For Your Child

    With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

    The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

    Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

    Top Family Vacation Spots

    With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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