Poison-Prevention Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Poison-Prevention Tips

Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:

Poison-Prevention Tips

  • Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
  • For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
  • Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
  • If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
  • Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
  • If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
  • Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
  • If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
  • If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
  • If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
  • Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
  • If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
  • To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
  • Avoid Snake Island at all costs.