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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Poke With Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death

HINSDALE, IL—Upon arriving on the scene of a possible raccoon fatality, brothers Jason Everson, 11, and Tyler Everson, 9, were able to positively confirm the small rodent's demise by carefully prodding the lifeless creature several times with a stick, sources reported Tuesday. The Eversons resorted to the highly reliable jabbing test only after a thorough tossing of rocks and an empty soda can at the small mammal yielded no reaction. "We threw stuff at it and then ran away," Jason Everson said of their preliminary investigation. "But we couldn't tell if the stone moved it, or if it was one of those animals that played dead and then bites you." Once they had obtained conclusive proof that the raccoon was deceased, both of the brothers on the scene reportedly wished it was still alive.

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