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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Police Continue Investigation Into Body Found At Churchill Downs By Questioning Horse Of Interest

LOUISVILLE, KY—The Louisville Metro Police Department said Thursday it is following all leads in the murder of track worker Adan Fabian Perez, even bringing in Derby horse Daddy Long Legs for questioning as a horse of interest. "While the ongoing investigation prevents us from revealing more at this time, we can tell you that hoofprints were prevalent in and around the stable where the body was discovered," said police spokesman Dwight Mitchell, adding that while no charges have been filed, the horse will be kept in a holding stable for the evening. "Daddy Long Legs has thus far refused to speak to investigators, but we're hopeful that once his court-appointed attorney horse arrives he will be more cooperative." Mitchell concluded his press conference by emphasizing the challenging nature of the investigation, citing the vast numbers of people, horses, mice, flies, crows, spiders, hawks, jockeys, millipedes, raccoons, ticks, earthworms, and stray cats that had access to the barn where Perez was found.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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