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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Police Continue Investigation Into Body Found At Churchill Downs By Questioning Horse Of Interest

LOUISVILLE, KY—The Louisville Metro Police Department said Thursday it is following all leads in the murder of track worker Adan Fabian Perez, even bringing in Derby horse Daddy Long Legs for questioning as a horse of interest. "While the ongoing investigation prevents us from revealing more at this time, we can tell you that hoofprints were prevalent in and around the stable where the body was discovered," said police spokesman Dwight Mitchell, adding that while no charges have been filed, the horse will be kept in a holding stable for the evening. "Daddy Long Legs has thus far refused to speak to investigators, but we're hopeful that once his court-appointed attorney horse arrives he will be more cooperative." Mitchell concluded his press conference by emphasizing the challenging nature of the investigation, citing the vast numbers of people, horses, mice, flies, crows, spiders, hawks, jockeys, millipedes, raccoons, ticks, earthworms, and stray cats that had access to the barn where Perez was found.

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