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Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

'She Left Her Wallet At The Cheesecake Factory,' Authorities Say

KANSAS CITY, MO—According to reports, Kansas City police officers are currently searching for a missing Gunman last seen earlier this afternoon in the parking lot of the Cheesecake Factory on Wyandotte Street. “Apparently, at around 1 p.m. today, a woman named Lisa Gunman dropped her wallet at the Cheesecake Factory,” said officer Mike Sterling, who was in the process of interviewing several eyewitnesses who claimed to have last seen the fleeing Gunman driving away in a 2005 Ford Taurus. “We would like to return it to her.” At press time, police officers were reportedly positioned outside the wanted Gunman’s residence.

This is an update of a previous story: Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

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