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Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

'She Left Her Wallet At The Cheesecake Factory,' Authorities Say

KANSAS CITY, MO—According to reports, Kansas City police officers are currently searching for a missing Gunman last seen earlier this afternoon in the parking lot of the Cheesecake Factory on Wyandotte Street. “Apparently, at around 1 p.m. today, a woman named Lisa Gunman dropped her wallet at the Cheesecake Factory,” said officer Mike Sterling, who was in the process of interviewing several eyewitnesses who claimed to have last seen the fleeing Gunman driving away in a 2005 Ford Taurus. “We would like to return it to her.” At press time, police officers were reportedly positioned outside the wanted Gunman’s residence.

This is an update of a previous story: Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

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