Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation

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Vol 50 Issue 28

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

In an interview with The Guardian, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed that some U.S. intelligence agents routinely pass around nude photos and other “sexually compromised” images they discover while spying on targets.

Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer

Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.

Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend.

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

According to residents of a South Carolina town, the Ku Klux Klan has been attempting to recruit children into its ranks by going to neighborhoods and leaving out bags of candy containing slips of paper with the words “Save Our Land, Join The Klan...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by reusing the same evidence in every case they handle. “Our department used to spend considerable time and manpower scouring crime scenes for clues, obtaining search warrants, interrogating suspects, and interviewing witnesses, but since we started using the same gun and DNA swab for every crime, we’ve been able to breeze through investigations in no time,” said police chief Alec McCarthy, who stated that the Jacksonville police have been able to close every case that has come up since the new protocol was enacted as well as make a significant dent in the department’s accumulated backlog of unsolved crimes. “Homicide investigations would often drag on for weeks, but now we’re in and out in two hours. We knocked out a triple murder, four breaking and enterings, and two aggravated assaults with a deadly weapon just this morning, and we’re on track to wrap up a couple of old child abduction cold cases by the end of the day.” Citing the success of the new program, the department said it is considering reusing the same signed confession for each case as well.

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