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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton

MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set of skeletonized human remains. "When we pulled that plastic shopping bag from underneath the shed, we had no idea what a cute little surprise was in store for us," said Deputy Jim Olszanski, who noted this was the fourth and by far the tiniest of the miniature skeletons police had recovered from the property over the past week. "Looking into those big eye sockets in its itty-bitty skull or at those teensy hand and feet bones—it melts your heart." Police at the scene said they hoped eventually to find another small skeleton whose spine hadn't been pulverized from apparent blunt-force trauma.

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