adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton

MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set of skeletonized human remains. "When we pulled that plastic shopping bag from underneath the shed, we had no idea what a cute little surprise was in store for us," said Deputy Jim Olszanski, who noted this was the fourth and by far the tiniest of the miniature skeletons police had recovered from the property over the past week. "Looking into those big eye sockets in its itty-bitty skull or at those teensy hand and feet bones—it melts your heart." Police at the scene said they hoped eventually to find another small skeleton whose spine hadn't been pulverized from apparent blunt-force trauma.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close