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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Police Horrified By Grisly Remains Of Taco Bell Meal

TAMPA, FL—Local authorities were reportedly appalled and disgusted after discovering the brutalized remains of a Taco Bell meal strewn across a table at one of the fast-food chain's Tampa locations Monday.

"The smell was awful—just awful," Tampa police officer Ken Burkett said after covering the mutilated, barely recognizable value meal with a napkin. "Someone really took their time with this one. We'll have to send it to the lab for analysis, but it appears that some of the remains are missing, possibly even eaten. Dear God."

Though there are still no leads on who is responsible for the gruesome mess or what their motives may have been for entering the restaurant in the first place, police say they believe the incident occurred sometime between 1 and 2 a.m.

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