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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Police Investigate Reports Of Local Gay Man Being Dragged Behind Boat

NORWOOD, NC—Law enforcement officials investigated a disturbance Sunday afternoon following reports of a screaming gay man being dragged across a lake behind a boat. “We received multiple accounts of two male suspects forcefully pulling a young gay man behind their motorboat at high speeds,” said Sgt. Michael Bosch of the Norwood Police Department, who noted that people on shore observed the gay man frantically waving and shouting the entire time he was yanked through the water by a 75-foot length of rope. “Witnesses indicated that the two suspects appeared to enjoy putting the gay man through this ordeal, even laughing out loud at him when he yelled that they were going too fast.” Sources further confirmed that any time the gay man became disconnected from the boat, the two men quickly reattached him so they could continue dragging him across the lake.

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