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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a beating on the 4600 block of Jefferson Blvd. Tuesday, officers quickly cordoned off the crime scene, determined that the victim had been brutalized to an unusually extreme degree, and began ordering bystanders to come see this shit for themselves, eyewitnesses said. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” “Don’t worry, the dude’s still alive. Yeah, his cheek’s totally torn away, but where’s the rest of his teeth? Seriously, what do you think happened?” Police have already detained several witnesses in order to further question them on whether they’ve ever seen anything so fucked up in all their lives.

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