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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a beating on the 4600 block of Jefferson Blvd. Tuesday, officers quickly cordoned off the crime scene, determined that the victim had been brutalized to an unusually extreme degree, and began ordering bystanders to come see this shit for themselves, eyewitnesses said. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” “Don’t worry, the dude’s still alive. Yeah, his cheek’s totally torn away, but where’s the rest of his teeth? Seriously, what do you think happened?” Police have already detained several witnesses in order to further question them on whether they’ve ever seen anything so fucked up in all their lives.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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