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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a beating on the 4600 block of Jefferson Blvd. Tuesday, officers quickly cordoned off the crime scene, determined that the victim had been brutalized to an unusually extreme degree, and began ordering bystanders to come see this shit for themselves, eyewitnesses said. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” “Don’t worry, the dude’s still alive. Yeah, his cheek’s totally torn away, but where’s the rest of his teeth? Seriously, what do you think happened?” Police have already detained several witnesses in order to further question them on whether they’ve ever seen anything so fucked up in all their lives.

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