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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a beating on the 4600 block of Jefferson Blvd. Tuesday, officers quickly cordoned off the crime scene, determined that the victim had been brutalized to an unusually extreme degree, and began ordering bystanders to come see this shit for themselves, eyewitnesses said. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” “Don’t worry, the dude’s still alive. Yeah, his cheek’s totally torn away, but where’s the rest of his teeth? Seriously, what do you think happened?” Police have already detained several witnesses in order to further question them on whether they’ve ever seen anything so fucked up in all their lives.

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