Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm

BROOKLYN, NY–Municipal law-enforcement officials leapt into action with swift and immediate dispatch Tuesday, when a car alarm went off in the parking lot of a Park Slope condominium complex, alerting citizenry and police alike that a Saab Turbo convertible was in peril.

A police officer radios for backup at the site of the car-alarm sounding.

"As soon as the car alarm went off, I knew something had to be done–and fast," police officer Tony Muldoon, the first of 12 officers to arrive on the scene, told reporters. "In a scenario like this, your training takes over. You don't think about yourself or your loved ones, or the danger you may be facing by entering such a volatile situation. The only thought going through my head was: My God, a car is being threatened. I knew I couldn't allow something like that to happen. Justice had to be served."

The car alarm, which sounded at approximately 10:35 a.m., quickly caught the attention of concerned citizens, who called 911 to alert authorities. Police officials were already on the way, however, as the borough's special Car Alarm Alert Squad had been mobilized within seconds of the alarm's sounding.

"The moment the alarm went off, our emergency car-alarm crisis-response protocol system kicked into high gear," Brooklyn 23rd Precinct Special Response Unit captain Luis Ruiz said. "Our rapid-deployment intervention team was suited up and on the way within minutes, ready to take on whatever caused the disturbance with their lightning-quick intervention tactics. When a car alarm sounds, there's no room for error."

Upon arriving at the scene, Muldoon took up a strategic position at the north end of the parking lot. After securing the area, he radioed to headquarters for back-up, following standard safety procedure requiring police to wait until at least three other officers arrive before venturing into a car-alarm situation.

Once back-up arrived, Muldoon closed in on the crisis zone. Fortunately, neither Muldoon nor any of the other 14 officers who responded were able to detect anything wrong with the Saab. It is theorized that the car alarm may have been accidentally set off by another resident of the condominium complex, who may have nudged slightly against the car's bumper when pulling out of the lot in his or her own vehicle.

"We may never know what happened here today," Muldoon said. "The most important thing is that the car is safe. In the end, that's the only thing that really matters."

Though no evidence of an intruder was found, police stress that criminal activity cannot be ruled out.

"It's quite possible that wrongdoers were menacing the vehicle but were scared off by the alarm's sudden, loud shrieking sound before they had the chance to do any damage," said Ruiz, who is urging anyone with information about the car-alarm sounding to contact one of the seven full-time detectives working on the case. "After all, how could a criminal not be frightened to his very bones by the piercing tones of this cunning anti-theft device? It's quite terrifying, I assure you. Any man who could face a car alarm without fear would have to have ice water running through his veins."

Contributing greatly to the Saab's security, police authorities said, was the fact that its owner chose to install an intimidating "five different rotating sound effects"-style alarm.

"This car alarm, by emitting an alternating set of ear-splitting tones rather than just one ear-splitting tone, was all the more difficult to ignore," Ruiz said. "That shows smart thinking on the owner's part."

Tuesday's incident is the latest in a series of car-alarm crises to plague New York in recent weeks. On Oct. 26, a 1993 Saturn's car alarm went off for over three minutes in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn before police, hampered in traffic by an overturned truck, could arrive on the scene. On Nov. 5, a 1996 Mazda Miata's alarm went off in midtown Manhattan, causing panic for several minutes until order could be restored. And last Thursday, a car alarm went off in Kew Gardens, Queens, when a man who had left his keys inside his 1994 Geo Metro attempted to open the door with a bent coathanger.

According to U.S. Justice Department records, between April 1996 and October 1998, a staggering 15 car alarms went off in the borough of Brooklyn alone. Police estimate, however, that as many as two-thirds of these incidents may have been so-called "false" alarms, caused by children bouncing up and down on the tires, subways shaking cars slightly when passing underneath, or kittens rubbing their furry bodies against the vehicles in a stroking motion. Nevertheless, in the other one-third of cases, police said the car alarms' harsh, loud warnings played a crucial role in the swift apprehension of those responsible.

Brooklyn District Attorney Benjamin Cordoba said the importance of defending one's vehicle with the loudest, most shrill car alarm possible cannot be overstated.

"These car alarms are sending a strong message about crime in our streets," Cordoba said. "It is a message that is harder than ever to ignore."