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Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm

BROOKLYN, NY–Municipal law-enforcement officials leapt into action with swift and immediate dispatch Tuesday, when a car alarm went off in the parking lot of a Park Slope condominium complex, alerting citizenry and police alike that a Saab Turbo convertible was in peril.

A police officer radios for backup at the site of the car-alarm sounding.

"As soon as the car alarm went off, I knew something had to be done–and fast," police officer Tony Muldoon, the first of 12 officers to arrive on the scene, told reporters. "In a scenario like this, your training takes over. You don't think about yourself or your loved ones, or the danger you may be facing by entering such a volatile situation. The only thought going through my head was: My God, a car is being threatened. I knew I couldn't allow something like that to happen. Justice had to be served."

The car alarm, which sounded at approximately 10:35 a.m., quickly caught the attention of concerned citizens, who called 911 to alert authorities. Police officials were already on the way, however, as the borough's special Car Alarm Alert Squad had been mobilized within seconds of the alarm's sounding.

"The moment the alarm went off, our emergency car-alarm crisis-response protocol system kicked into high gear," Brooklyn 23rd Precinct Special Response Unit captain Luis Ruiz said. "Our rapid-deployment intervention team was suited up and on the way within minutes, ready to take on whatever caused the disturbance with their lightning-quick intervention tactics. When a car alarm sounds, there's no room for error."

Upon arriving at the scene, Muldoon took up a strategic position at the north end of the parking lot. After securing the area, he radioed to headquarters for back-up, following standard safety procedure requiring police to wait until at least three other officers arrive before venturing into a car-alarm situation.

Once back-up arrived, Muldoon closed in on the crisis zone. Fortunately, neither Muldoon nor any of the other 14 officers who responded were able to detect anything wrong with the Saab. It is theorized that the car alarm may have been accidentally set off by another resident of the condominium complex, who may have nudged slightly against the car's bumper when pulling out of the lot in his or her own vehicle.

"We may never know what happened here today," Muldoon said. "The most important thing is that the car is safe. In the end, that's the only thing that really matters."

Though no evidence of an intruder was found, police stress that criminal activity cannot be ruled out.

"It's quite possible that wrongdoers were menacing the vehicle but were scared off by the alarm's sudden, loud shrieking sound before they had the chance to do any damage," said Ruiz, who is urging anyone with information about the car-alarm sounding to contact one of the seven full-time detectives working on the case. "After all, how could a criminal not be frightened to his very bones by the piercing tones of this cunning anti-theft device? It's quite terrifying, I assure you. Any man who could face a car alarm without fear would have to have ice water running through his veins."

Contributing greatly to the Saab's security, police authorities said, was the fact that its owner chose to install an intimidating "five different rotating sound effects"-style alarm.

"This car alarm, by emitting an alternating set of ear-splitting tones rather than just one ear-splitting tone, was all the more difficult to ignore," Ruiz said. "That shows smart thinking on the owner's part."

Tuesday's incident is the latest in a series of car-alarm crises to plague New York in recent weeks. On Oct. 26, a 1993 Saturn's car alarm went off for over three minutes in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn before police, hampered in traffic by an overturned truck, could arrive on the scene. On Nov. 5, a 1996 Mazda Miata's alarm went off in midtown Manhattan, causing panic for several minutes until order could be restored. And last Thursday, a car alarm went off in Kew Gardens, Queens, when a man who had left his keys inside his 1994 Geo Metro attempted to open the door with a bent coathanger.

According to U.S. Justice Department records, between April 1996 and October 1998, a staggering 15 car alarms went off in the borough of Brooklyn alone. Police estimate, however, that as many as two-thirds of these incidents may have been so-called "false" alarms, caused by children bouncing up and down on the tires, subways shaking cars slightly when passing underneath, or kittens rubbing their furry bodies against the vehicles in a stroking motion. Nevertheless, in the other one-third of cases, police said the car alarms' harsh, loud warnings played a crucial role in the swift apprehension of those responsible.

Brooklyn District Attorney Benjamin Cordoba said the importance of defending one's vehicle with the loudest, most shrill car alarm possible cannot be overstated.

"These car alarms are sending a strong message about crime in our streets," Cordoba said. "It is a message that is harder than ever to ignore."

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