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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Police Release Michael Bay's Notebooks

Earlier today the LAPD made public these images of pages from Michael Bay's personal notebooks, which contain blueprints for Mr. Bay's numerous bizarre violence-fetish films such as "Bad Boys 2" and "Pearl Harbor."

According to criminologist Dr. Thomas Beke, the films reveal Bay has long-suffered from a number of disturbing psychiatric conditions.

"The focus on exploding buildings and car chases in these films shows a pathological lack of interest in human beings," Beke said. "People are but two-dimensional puppets in his orgies of violence. Furthermore, the stilted dialogue indicates Bay has likely never truly listened to another person talk, revealing he most likely also suffers from pathological narcissism."

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