Police Release Michael Bay's Notebooks

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

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ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

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Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.
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Police Release Michael Bay's Notebooks

Earlier today the LAPD made public these images of pages from Michael Bay's personal notebooks, which contain blueprints for Mr. Bay's numerous bizarre violence-fetish films such as "Bad Boys 2" and "Pearl Harbor."

According to criminologist Dr. Thomas Beke, the films reveal Bay has long-suffered from a number of disturbing psychiatric conditions.

"The focus on exploding buildings and car chases in these films shows a pathological lack of interest in human beings," Beke said. "People are but two-dimensional puppets in his orgies of violence. Furthermore, the stilted dialogue indicates Bay has likely never truly listened to another person talk, revealing he most likely also suffers from pathological narcissism."

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