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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later hostings dating back to April 1996, it was reported Monday. "This brutal, senseless parade of C-list celebrities in the host's chair must end," police chief Dennis Showalter said. "We will do everything in our power to bring to justice the fiend responsible for the countless painfully awkward interviews perpetrated by the low-wattage likes of Peri Gilpin, Jerry O'Connell, and Rita Sever."

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