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The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

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WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

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Police to Pillage, Terrify Community

‘Operation Psycho Pig Rampage’ to Begin Tonight

LOS ANGELES (AP)—Citing revenge for what they bill a consistently deteriorating support base and general lack of appreciation, area police are gearing up to get even with the community this evening. Their plan, known as “Operation Psycho Pig Rampage,” calls for the pillaging of homes, harassment of passersby and random shooting of harmless motorists.

Police officers will don riot gear and assault city residents at random, drowning the city in blood.

Officers cited both the O.J. Simpson and Rodney King trials as two incidents that have enormously undermined America’s faith in the police. According to police department insiders across the nation, African-Americans have direct reason to hate the police. In addition, many whites are filled with a once-removed, transitive sense of guilt/em-pathy for the abused black populace.

“The black community has nothing short of a gnawing hatred and mistrust of law enforcement officials,” Deputy police chief Gary Chower said. “And well they should. But that doesn’t mean we are not going to whup major ass this evening, when we roll through the community with the soul-crushing force of a Third World totalitarian autocracy.”

Police department insiders went on to cite years of verbal abuse by citizenry, public portrayals of police as villainous cogs of the system, and repeated lampooning in trucker-themed feature films as further reason for their rage.

“Operation Psycho Pig Rampage will undoubtedly be the average white middle-class liberal’s nightmare,” Officer Harrison Timkin said. “Not only will we subdue citizens with gas and billy clubs, but we hope to terrorize them psychologically as well, using menacing pig-faced tear gas masks to strike fear into their hearts.”

By Saturday the police hope to have needlessly maced, beaten and abused vast sections of the general populace and to have illegally jailed and detained hundreds more.

Psycho Pig organizers plan to use enormous loudspeaker amplification on city street corners to generate oinking and snorting sound effects as they beat citizens into hobbled submission.

Officers are convinced this is both fitting retribution and a necessary step for the populace to understand law enforcement officials’ new role in the American community.

One young police officer, rookie cop Roy Beamer, is looking forward to Psycho Pig Rampage with some reservation.

“I just joined the force and I’m not sure this whole rampage is right,” Beamer said. “But the captain and all the other guys want me to do it, so I guess I’m in support of it.”

Beamer plans to use his riot stick to beat old women until they involuntarily relieve their bowels.

Those in the community have not been supportive of Operation Psycho Pig Rampage, suggesting that it may be in violation of the inherent trust that many citizens have for their public servants.

“I fear for my life and my children’s lives,” area resident Madge Kimterfon said. “Please help us.”

Said resident Maureen Hemterfagh: “My God, they’re going to kill us all.”

Law enforcement officials fear neither reprisals, nor punishment for their actions.

“We are the only members of the community trained and sanctioned by the people to use violence, even deadly force, at our discretion,” Chower said. “Truly, the streets will run red with the blood of the innocent.”

State and federal support for the soon-to-be-ravaged city is unlikely, as many government officials see this as a local issue, best dealt with by local authorities, namely, the police.

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