adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close