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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

‘It’s Been Done,’ Say Officials

Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.
Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.

HOUSTON—A rooftop sniper armed with an automatic rifle opened fire on a crowded downtown intersection yesterday, killing four and leaving area police officers greatly unimpressed. The seven-minute shooting spree, which also critically wounded at least 20 others in a busy lunchtime crowd, was described by the officers as “uninspired” and “lame.”

“To be quite honest, it’s been done,” Houston police chief Karl Slawson said, stifling a yawn. “Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five other cases in Texas alone where a guy snapped, got on a roof and fired into a crowd below. There’s just nothing new about it.”

The sniper, identified as 44-year-old Victor Huemanga of nearby Galveston, is still on the roof of the 21-story building and has vowed to kill again. “I will drown this city in blood,” he said. “Bodies will line the streets and gore will clog the sewers.”

Police are taking a wait-and-see attitude. “I’m just saying, he’d better do something different this time if he wants to get our attention,” officer Russell Davison said. “I don’t care how many people he kills, it’s got to be original. All the great killers have a hook. They don’t just stand up on some roof and shoot, even if it’s hundreds of innocent civilians. God, that’s boring.”

Said Police Chief Slawson: “Come on, dazzle us.”

When informed of the police reaction, Huemanga vowed to “kill and kill until the pain goes away.”

Families of the six victims have pleaded with Houston police officials to apprehend the sniper, but they have steadfastly refused. Instead, victims’ family members have been placed in a room and asked to fill out a series of complicated forms.

In a prepared statement sent to the media, Huemanga explained his reason for the rampage. “I want to vent my deep frustration with society, especially technology, which has made machines more important than people,” he wrote in a three-page typed statement.

The statement, like the killings, was met with extreme boredom. “Boy, I’m surprised by his reasons,” Slawson said. “He’s angry at society and technology. I’ve never heard that one before.” Slawson then rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, underscoring the sarcasm of his comments.

Huemanga has also made a list of demands, including $2 million cash. “So you mean, if we don’t give him money, he may kill again?” FBI agent Horace Gage said. “No one’s ever demanded that before. We’d better get on it right away.” Gage, like Slawson, was being sarcastic.

According to police, the rooftop shootings represent the least original act of terror in the state of Texas since 1988, when a Dallas man kidnapped the wife of a wealthy oil magnate and held her for ransom.

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