Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Food

Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

‘It’s been done,’ say officials

Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.
Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.

HOUSTON, TX—A rooftop sniper armed with an automatic rifle opened fire on a crowded downtown intersection yesterday, killing four and leaving area police officers greatly unimpressed. The seven-minute shooting spree, which also critically wounded at least 20 others in a busy lunchtime crowd, was described by the officers as “uninspired” and “lame.”

“To be quite honest, it’s been done,” Houston police chief Karl Slawson said, stifling a yawn. “Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five other cases in Texas alone where a guy snapped, got on a roof and fired into a crowd below. There’s just nothing new about it.”

The sniper, identified as 44-year-old Victor Huemanga of nearby Galveston, is still on the roof of the 21-story building and has vowed to kill again. “I will drown this city in blood,” he said. “Bodies will line the streets and gore will clog the sewers.”

Police are taking a wait-and-see attitude. “I’m just saying, he’d better do something different this time if he wants to get our attention,” officer Russell Davison said. “I don’t care how many people he kills, it’s got to be original. All the great killers have a hook. They don’t just stand up on some roof and shoot, even if it’s hundreds of innocent civilians. God, that’s boring.”

Said Police Chief Slawson: “Come on, dazzle us.”

When informed of the police reaction, Huemanga vowed to “kill and kill until the pain goes away.”

Families of the six victims have pleaded with Houston police officials to apprehend the sniper, but they have steadfastly refused. Instead, victims’ family members have been placed in a room and asked to fill out a series of complicated forms.

In a prepared statement sent to the media, Huemanga explained his reason for the rampage. “I want to vent my deep frustration with society, especially technology, which has made machines more important than people,” he wrote in a three-page typed statement.

The statement, like the killings, was met with extreme boredom. “Boy, I’m surprised by his reasons,” Slawson said. “He’s angry at society and technology. I’ve never heard that one before.” Slawson then rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, underscoring the sarcasm of his comments.

Huemanga has also made a list of demands, including $2 million cash. “So you mean, if we don’t give him money, he may kill again?” FBI agent Horace Gage said. “No one’s ever demanded that before. We’d better get on it right away.” Gage, like Slawson, was being sarcastic.

According to police, the rooftop shootings represent the least original act of terror in the state of Texas since 1988, when a Dallas man kidnapped the wife of a wealthy oil magnate and held her for ransom.

Next Story