adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

‘It’s Been Done,’ Say Officials

Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.
Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.

HOUSTON—A rooftop sniper armed with an automatic rifle opened fire on a crowded downtown intersection yesterday, killing four and leaving area police officers greatly unimpressed. The seven-minute shooting spree, which also critically wounded at least 20 others in a busy lunchtime crowd, was described by the officers as “uninspired” and “lame.”

“To be quite honest, it’s been done,” Houston police chief Karl Slawson said, stifling a yawn. “Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five other cases in Texas alone where a guy snapped, got on a roof and fired into a crowd below. There’s just nothing new about it.”

The sniper, identified as 44-year-old Victor Huemanga of nearby Galveston, is still on the roof of the 21-story building and has vowed to kill again. “I will drown this city in blood,” he said. “Bodies will line the streets and gore will clog the sewers.”

Police are taking a wait-and-see attitude. “I’m just saying, he’d better do something different this time if he wants to get our attention,” officer Russell Davison said. “I don’t care how many people he kills, it’s got to be original. All the great killers have a hook. They don’t just stand up on some roof and shoot, even if it’s hundreds of innocent civilians. God, that’s boring.”

Said Police Chief Slawson: “Come on, dazzle us.”

When informed of the police reaction, Huemanga vowed to “kill and kill until the pain goes away.”

Families of the six victims have pleaded with Houston police officials to apprehend the sniper, but they have steadfastly refused. Instead, victims’ family members have been placed in a room and asked to fill out a series of complicated forms.

In a prepared statement sent to the media, Huemanga explained his reason for the rampage. “I want to vent my deep frustration with society, especially technology, which has made machines more important than people,” he wrote in a three-page typed statement.

The statement, like the killings, was met with extreme boredom. “Boy, I’m surprised by his reasons,” Slawson said. “He’s angry at society and technology. I’ve never heard that one before.” Slawson then rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, underscoring the sarcasm of his comments.

Huemanga has also made a list of demands, including $2 million cash. “So you mean, if we don’t give him money, he may kill again?” FBI agent Horace Gage said. “No one’s ever demanded that before. We’d better get on it right away.” Gage, like Slawson, was being sarcastic.

According to police, the rooftop shootings represent the least original act of terror in the state of Texas since 1988, when a Dallas man kidnapped the wife of a wealthy oil magnate and held her for ransom.

More from this section

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close