adBlockCheck

Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

‘It’s Been Done,’ Say Officials

Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.
Sniper Victor Huemanga (inset) has failed to make an impression on Houston Police, who urge him to kill in a more creative manner.

HOUSTON—A rooftop sniper armed with an automatic rifle opened fire on a crowded downtown intersection yesterday, killing four and leaving area police officers greatly unimpressed. The seven-minute shooting spree, which also critically wounded at least 20 others in a busy lunchtime crowd, was described by the officers as “uninspired” and “lame.”

“To be quite honest, it’s been done,” Houston police chief Karl Slawson said, stifling a yawn. “Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five other cases in Texas alone where a guy snapped, got on a roof and fired into a crowd below. There’s just nothing new about it.”

The sniper, identified as 44-year-old Victor Huemanga of nearby Galveston, is still on the roof of the 21-story building and has vowed to kill again. “I will drown this city in blood,” he said. “Bodies will line the streets and gore will clog the sewers.”

Police are taking a wait-and-see attitude. “I’m just saying, he’d better do something different this time if he wants to get our attention,” officer Russell Davison said. “I don’t care how many people he kills, it’s got to be original. All the great killers have a hook. They don’t just stand up on some roof and shoot, even if it’s hundreds of innocent civilians. God, that’s boring.”

Said Police Chief Slawson: “Come on, dazzle us.”

When informed of the police reaction, Huemanga vowed to “kill and kill until the pain goes away.”

Families of the six victims have pleaded with Houston police officials to apprehend the sniper, but they have steadfastly refused. Instead, victims’ family members have been placed in a room and asked to fill out a series of complicated forms.

In a prepared statement sent to the media, Huemanga explained his reason for the rampage. “I want to vent my deep frustration with society, especially technology, which has made machines more important than people,” he wrote in a three-page typed statement.

The statement, like the killings, was met with extreme boredom. “Boy, I’m surprised by his reasons,” Slawson said. “He’s angry at society and technology. I’ve never heard that one before.” Slawson then rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, underscoring the sarcasm of his comments.

Huemanga has also made a list of demands, including $2 million cash. “So you mean, if we don’t give him money, he may kill again?” FBI agent Horace Gage said. “No one’s ever demanded that before. We’d better get on it right away.” Gage, like Slawson, was being sarcastic.

According to police, the rooftop shootings represent the least original act of terror in the state of Texas since 1988, when a Dallas man kidnapped the wife of a wealthy oil magnate and held her for ransom.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close