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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Policeman Breaks Up Area Party Out Of Pity

SOUTH BEND, IN—While patrolling the University of Notre Dame campus Friday night, officer Robert Mueller disrupted a party taking place at 131 Frances St. out of sheer pity for its attendees. "At approximately 10:30 p.m., I observed two minors awkwardly drinking beers on the porch outside their home," Mueller wrote in his report of the pathetic infraction. "After approaching the suspects, I immediately scanned the area for rowdy or disorderly conduct, the smell of marijuana smoke, or any signs of possible fun and, finding none, decided to take decisive action. That party was a goddamn embarrassment." Although Mueller felt so sorry for the partygoers that he couldn't bring himself to contact their parents, the relieved college sophomores said they would never forget the crazy night when their Numb3rs viewing party was busted up by the cops.

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