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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money

CHICAGO—Admitting that he has completely run out of ideas at this point, local political cartoonist Lawrence Cleary told reporters Monday that he is unsure how to convey that a large sack being clutched by a U.S. senator in his latest drawing is full of money. “In order for this one to work, the reader has to know that it’s a big bag of cash the senator’s holding, but how can I possibly get that idea across? ” the Chicago Tribune satirist told reporters, referring to the as-yet-unfinished black-and-white sketch, which features an unnamed politician carrying the bulging, unmarked sack while strolling out of a building marked “Middle Class Savings & Loan,” underneath the caption “Politics As Usual…” “I was thinking of maybe having a few coins spilling from the top of the bag, or maybe he’s already dropped an open bag on the ground and we can see a bunch of cash inside of it. I guess I could always give him a speech bubble that says, ‘There’s a bunch of money in this bag that I took from the American people,’ but that might be spelling it out too much. Maybe he could be wearing a name tag that reads ‘Senator Moneybags,’ thereby denoting that the bag he is holding is in fact filled with money?” At press time, Cleary had decided to write the word “money” on the bag.

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