adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money

CHICAGO—Admitting that he has completely run out of ideas at this point, local political cartoonist Lawrence Cleary told reporters Monday that he is unsure how to convey that a large sack being clutched by a U.S. senator in his latest drawing is full of money. “In order for this one to work, the reader has to know that it’s a big bag of cash the senator’s holding, but how can I possibly get that idea across? ” the Chicago Tribune satirist told reporters, referring to the as-yet-unfinished black-and-white sketch, which features an unnamed politician carrying the bulging, unmarked sack while strolling out of a building marked “Middle Class Savings & Loan,” underneath the caption “Politics As Usual…” “I was thinking of maybe having a few coins spilling from the top of the bag, or maybe he’s already dropped an open bag on the ground and we can see a bunch of cash inside of it. I guess I could always give him a speech bubble that says, ‘There’s a bunch of money in this bag that I took from the American people,’ but that might be spelling it out too much. Maybe he could be wearing a name tag that reads ‘Senator Moneybags,’ thereby denoting that the bag he is holding is in fact filled with money?” At press time, Cleary had decided to write the word “money” on the bag.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close