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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam

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ALEXANDRIA, VA—While looking through a drawer in her husband’s desk Friday, a shocked Gwen Royer, wife of Nast Award–winning political cartoonist Herbert M. Royer, discovered a large cache of drawings that reportedly depict a fully nude Uncle Sam engaging in a wide array of lurid acts. “I don’t know how anyone could even think of all the vile things I saw Uncle Sam doing, let alone commit them to pen and paper,” a visibly trembling Royer said of the hundreds of images drawn by her husband that show the top-hat-clad and fully exposed personification of the United States in all manner of perverse situations, from hoisting Old Glory up his immense, erect penis, to having his face squatted on by a blindfolded Lady Justice, to using both his hands to simultaneously masturbate a male elephant and a male donkey. “There’s no satiric angle, or even a joke in most of these pictures. He just has Uncle Sam doing all sorts of filthy, depraved things, whether it’s flicking his tongue into the crack in the Liberty Bell or pouring a barrel labeled ‘Middle East Oil’ all over his taut, naked body. I don’t even want to tell you what he was doing with a rolled-up copy of the Constitution.” Though Royer stated that every one of the drawings appalled her, she conceded that a particular cartoon in which an anthropomorphized outline of China sodomises a bent-forward Uncle Sam using a thick bar of gold “actually made a pretty good point.”

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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