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Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam

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ALEXANDRIA, VA—While looking through a drawer in her husband’s desk Friday, a shocked Gwen Royer, wife of Nast Award–winning political cartoonist Herbert M. Royer, discovered a large cache of drawings that reportedly depict a fully nude Uncle Sam engaging in a wide array of lurid acts. “I don’t know how anyone could even think of all the vile things I saw Uncle Sam doing, let alone commit them to pen and paper,” a visibly trembling Royer said of the hundreds of images drawn by her husband that show the top-hat-clad and fully exposed personification of the United States in all manner of perverse situations, from hoisting Old Glory up his immense, erect penis, to having his face squatted on by a blindfolded Lady Justice, to using both his hands to simultaneously masturbate a male elephant and a male donkey. “There’s no satiric angle, or even a joke in most of these pictures. He just has Uncle Sam doing all sorts of filthy, depraved things, whether it’s flicking his tongue into the crack in the Liberty Bell or pouring a barrel labeled ‘Middle East Oil’ all over his taut, naked body. I don’t even want to tell you what he was doing with a rolled-up copy of the Constitution.” Though Royer stated that every one of the drawings appalled her, she conceded that a particular cartoon in which an anthropomorphized outline of China sodomises a bent-forward Uncle Sam using a thick bar of gold “actually made a pretty good point.”

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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