adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam

Click to enlarge
Click to enlarge

ALEXANDRIA, VA—While looking through a drawer in her husband’s desk Friday, a shocked Gwen Royer, wife of Nast Award–winning political cartoonist Herbert M. Royer, discovered a large cache of drawings that reportedly depict a fully nude Uncle Sam engaging in a wide array of lurid acts. “I don’t know how anyone could even think of all the vile things I saw Uncle Sam doing, let alone commit them to pen and paper,” a visibly trembling Royer said of the hundreds of images drawn by her husband that show the top-hat-clad and fully exposed personification of the United States in all manner of perverse situations, from hoisting Old Glory up his immense, erect penis, to having his face squatted on by a blindfolded Lady Justice, to using both his hands to simultaneously masturbate a male elephant and a male donkey. “There’s no satiric angle, or even a joke in most of these pictures. He just has Uncle Sam doing all sorts of filthy, depraved things, whether it’s flicking his tongue into the crack in the Liberty Bell or pouring a barrel labeled ‘Middle East Oil’ all over his taut, naked body. I don’t even want to tell you what he was doing with a rolled-up copy of the Constitution.” Though Royer stated that every one of the drawings appalled her, she conceded that a particular cartoon in which an anthropomorphized outline of China sodomises a bent-forward Uncle Sam using a thick bar of gold “actually made a pretty good point.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close