Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom

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Vol 41 Issue 24

All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies

BAY CITY, MI—According to sources at Bay City Middle School, all of 51-year-old math teacher Lance Stonitch's in-class examples express numbers in quantities of Moon Pies, the snack item consisting of marshmallow fluff packed between round graham crackers and coated with chocolate, vanilla, or banana icing. "Let's say Jimmy and Janie eat 40 Moon Pies in two weeks," Stonitch said Monday. "Their friends John and Joe are coming to visit for two days, and John and Joe eat Moon Pies twice as fast as Jimmy and Janie. How many Moon Pies does Jimmy need to buy the week of the visit, to have enough Moon Pies for everyone?" While most of Stonitch's students have no idea what a Moon Pie is, eighth-grader Trace Crutchfield said, "Whenever Mr. Stonitch says 'Moon Pies,' we just think of that as a generic unit."

Portugal Finally Gets It Together

LISBON, PORTUGAL—To the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday. "Man, I didn't think P. would ever get it together," said Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. "But it really cleaned up its act and got its shit straight. Who would've guessed?" Cyprus said that if Portugal can do it, maybe it can, too.

Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going

POMPANO BEACH, FL—According to partygoers, an impromptu cocaine bash on North Ocean Boulevard took three to four minutes to really get hopping Monday night. "This place is like a morgue," said Paul Manero, moments after doing a line. "I wonder if they've got any of those daiquiris left. Oh God, look, things are warming up. Hey Mark, do you have any of those daiqui—know where I got these shoes? I got them at—what's that? Hey, did I tell you I went to Chicago last week? Yeah, it was—hey, what's this song? Chingy? It sucks! This rules!" According to clean and sober sources, the party actually blew all along.

GM's Rising Costs

General Moters announced that it intends to cut 25,000 jobs in the coming years, explaining that it is losing money on every vehicle that it sells in North America. What are the costs of producing a typical GM car?

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?

Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed

FULLERTON, CA—A worldwide consortium of scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers is nearing the completion of the ambitious, decade-long project of cataloging everything that can go wrong, project leader Dr. Thomas R. Kress announced at a press conference Tuesday.
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Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom

BATTLE CREEK, MI—In what had originally been intended as a brisk, businesslike trip to the urinal, Calhoun County executive hopeful Phil Hecht spent seven minutes working the Battle Creek Sheraton men's bathroom Monday.

Hecht meets and greets a lavatory visitor.

"That politician guy didn't seem to realize how weird it was in there," said David Muntz, a local orthodontist. "I don't know... It was like he couldn't turn it off."

"I had to wash up an extra time after he glad-handed me," Muntz added.

Hecht's unplanned bathroom tour took place several minutes after his remarks at the Battle Creek Rotary Club's annual Unsung Heroes luncheon, held this year in honor of Jefferson Middle School principal Phyllis DeVreaux. Observers speculated that Hecht "got carried away" by both the generous applause following his address and the large number of people in the men's restroom.

"When he came toward me, I was in line for the urinal," said Aaron Barker, a local bank executive. "At first, I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know if he wanted to get to the mirror, or what."

"He must not have had to go too bad, because he kept letting people skip him in line," Barker added. "He really got on a roll, there."

After individually greeting each person waiting for the urinals, Hecht moved on to the sinks.

"He's a real live wire, that Phil Hecht," said Tate's Tavern owner Alan Tate, who met the county-executive hopeful beside the paper-towel dispensers. "He came up to me, introduced himself, and said, 'I care deeply about maternity-leave issues... Wait, who'm I kidding? It's just us guys in here. Hey! Put 'er there.'"

Many others said they were confused by Hecht's restroom schmoozing.

Hecht tells bathroom users how much their vote would mean to him.

"I had just come out of the stall, but I really didn't expect Hecht to make a joke about it," said Werner Neumar, who was approached by Hecht as he attempted to pump liquid soap from an empty dispenser. "He kept saying 'Get a load of this guy' to [County Democratic Chairman] Frank [Willison], and belly laughing. And then he said I should do a fundraiser for him, like I'm his best friend all of a sudden."

"That guy gives me the creeps," Neumar added.

Hecht made light of the illustrated instructions on the bathroom's air dryers, saying they demonstrated the lack of focus on basic reading skills in county schools. While his comments provoked nervous laughter among some in the bathroom, school-board member Travis Keyes was not amused.

"Reading scores have gone up three out of the past four years," Keyes said. "[Hecht] was just going for the cheap laughs, grandstanding for votes."

Added Keyes: "Plus, he wasn't even rubbing his hands like the instructions showed. He was just shaking them, and then he had to wipe them on his pants, because they weren't dry."

Monday was not the first time Hecht has campaigned in what some might deem an inappropriate place. Last week, he was ejected from a high-school softball game after handing out literature from row to row in the bleachers. In May, he was criticized for stationing himself outside of a church and buttonholing potential voters as they left a funeral.

Hecht defended his aggressive campaign style.

"I'm unorthodox, but I think Calhoun County needs an executive who doesn't settle for politics as usual," Hecht told a reporter. "What would you rather have—a guy who never takes a break from serving his constituents, not even a bathroom break, or a two-term do-nothing freeloader who sits in his office all day planning his summer vacation?"

"Let me give you a refrigerator magnet," Hecht added. "And here's one for your freezer. It's got my whole platform, right on it."

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