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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago

WASHINGTON—With many respondents saying the country has made notable strides during that time, a poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that over half of American voters believe the United States is better off now than it was four eons ago. “Obviously things aren’t perfect, but on the whole I’m pleased with our breathable atmosphere and the lack of massive asteroid impacts, which is something you couldn’t say a few eons back,” poll respondent David Freeman told reporters, noting that while the economy could be stronger, he thinks America has moved forward since existing as the roiling mass of molten stone it was just a few billion years ago. “We’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easy to take for granted that we live in a nation where organic molecules are plentiful and water is a substance that exists. All things considered, I think we’re doing okay.” The poll found, however, that more than 4 in 10 voters feel the U.S. is considerably worse off than it was four eons ago and called for a return to the country’s 450-degree Fahrenheit roots.

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