Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago

WASHINGTON—With many respondents saying the country has made notable strides during that time, a poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that over half of American voters believe the United States is better off now than it was four eons ago. “Obviously things aren’t perfect, but on the whole I’m pleased with our breathable atmosphere and the lack of massive asteroid impacts, which is something you couldn’t say a few eons back,” poll respondent David Freeman told reporters, noting that while the economy could be stronger, he thinks America has moved forward since existing as the roiling mass of molten stone it was just a few billion years ago. “We’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easy to take for granted that we live in a nation where organic molecules are plentiful and water is a substance that exists. All things considered, I think we’re doing okay.” The poll found, however, that more than 4 in 10 voters feel the U.S. is considerably worse off than it was four eons ago and called for a return to the country’s 450-degree Fahrenheit roots.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close