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Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago

WASHINGTON—With many respondents saying the country has made notable strides during that time, a poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that over half of American voters believe the United States is better off now than it was four eons ago. “Obviously things aren’t perfect, but on the whole I’m pleased with our breathable atmosphere and the lack of massive asteroid impacts, which is something you couldn’t say a few eons back,” poll respondent David Freeman told reporters, noting that while the economy could be stronger, he thinks America has moved forward since existing as the roiling mass of molten stone it was just a few billion years ago. “We’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easy to take for granted that we live in a nation where organic molecules are plentiful and water is a substance that exists. All things considered, I think we’re doing okay.” The poll found, however, that more than 4 in 10 voters feel the U.S. is considerably worse off than it was four eons ago and called for a return to the country’s 450-degree Fahrenheit roots.

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