adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave

WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want the apocalyptic disaster that brings about the end of our species to come in the form of a colossal wave rushing rapidly toward the shore that runs the length of the horizon and is of such a tremendous height that it blots out the sun,” said lead researcher Hector Collins, who noted that survey participants expressed no preference between a magnitude-20 undersea earthquake or an enormous asteroid slamming into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, as long as the underlying cause of humanity’s extinction generated a massive tsunami that swept across the entire world. “Of those in favor of a catastrophic tidal bore hitting the Eastern Seaboard before flowing across the whole North American continent, over 70 percent said that the immense wave should submerge the Empire State Building up to the needle, while about 85 percent expressed the urge to see full-size ocean liners tossed around by the wave as if they were toys. Additionally, respondents were nearly unanimous in their desire to see the entire city of Boston completely underwater on television, run outside, and yell ‘It’s coming!’ as the shadow of the gargantuan wave crept over them.” Researchers added, however, that respondents were divided over whether the cataclysmic tidal wave should leave small bands of survivors to fend for themselves in a grim post-apocalyptic landscape or simply obliterate the human race instantly.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close