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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Poll: 81% Of Office Workers Would Rather Stay Late Than Ride Elevator With Richard

BATON ROUGE, LA—More than four out of five employees at LaPorte Technical Infrastructures prefer working after hours to braving an elevator ride with Richard, an internal company survey revealed Tuesday. "An overwhelming majority would opt to stay an extra half hour—even at the end of a long Friday—than share the same personal space with Richard for the 20 seconds it takes to get down to the lobby," HR manager Andrea Tibbets said. "When in the elevator with Richard, 45 percent of those polled said they avoid him by patting their pockets as if realizing they'd forgotten their keys, 29 percent pretend something is wrong with their phone, and 2 percent think maybe Richard's actually not that bad." Company officials said they were planning to promote Richard in recognition of his role in helping to increase office-wide productivity by some 13 percent.

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