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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status

WASHINGTON—A new survey published Friday by Gallup researchers revealed that an overwhelming majority of illegal immigrants residing in the U.S. support changes to the naturalization process that would create a clear pathway to corporate status. “Nearly nine in 10 poll respondents noted that while citizenship would be nice, being recognized instead as a corporation would provide them with the fullest benefits of residing in the United States,” said lead researcher Megan Alvarez, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nation’s undocumented immigrants hoped to one day become a legal corporate entity and receive generous government subsidies and robust political representation. “Nearly everyone we surveyed agreed that paying minimal taxes and being exempt from governmental oversight was what American freedom really meant.” The poll also revealed that the majority of Americans were opposed to the idea, claiming that corporate status was a privilege reserved for the small minority of residents who were already wealthy and prosperous.

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