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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status

WASHINGTON—A new survey published Friday by Gallup researchers revealed that an overwhelming majority of illegal immigrants residing in the U.S. support changes to the naturalization process that would create a clear pathway to corporate status. “Nearly nine in 10 poll respondents noted that while citizenship would be nice, being recognized instead as a corporation would provide them with the fullest benefits of residing in the United States,” said lead researcher Megan Alvarez, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nation’s undocumented immigrants hoped to one day become a legal corporate entity and receive generous government subsidies and robust political representation. “Nearly everyone we surveyed agreed that paying minimal taxes and being exempt from governmental oversight was what American freedom really meant.” The poll also revealed that the majority of Americans were opposed to the idea, claiming that corporate status was a privilege reserved for the small minority of residents who were already wealthy and prosperous.

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