Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status

WASHINGTON—A new survey published Friday by Gallup researchers revealed that an overwhelming majority of illegal immigrants residing in the U.S. support changes to the naturalization process that would create a clear pathway to corporate status. “Nearly nine in 10 poll respondents noted that while citizenship would be nice, being recognized instead as a corporation would provide them with the fullest benefits of residing in the United States,” said lead researcher Megan Alvarez, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nation’s undocumented immigrants hoped to one day become a legal corporate entity and receive generous government subsidies and robust political representation. “Nearly everyone we surveyed agreed that paying minimal taxes and being exempt from governmental oversight was what American freedom really meant.” The poll also revealed that the majority of Americans were opposed to the idea, claiming that corporate status was a privilege reserved for the small minority of residents who were already wealthy and prosperous.