Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer

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Vol 48 Issue 11

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. 

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen to 11.6 percent since 1999.

In Over Your Head

We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to include property taxes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer

WASHINGTON—According to a Zogby poll released this week, 96 percent of rock groups across the nation are currently in search of a slightly better drummer. "Nearly all bands surveyed indicated that, while their current drummer could keep time and was 'pretty good,' they certainly wouldn't mind playing with someone who could handle quicker rhythms and maybe knew a few more beats," pollster Will Materson said. "Additionally, most bands seemed to indicate they would be open to any drummer who could just be a bit more versatile in general, like Adam, who is completely awesome but is currently playing with those other guys who let him sing lead on a couple songs." The poll also found that 72 percent of bands think it would be pretty cool to get a band member who could play piano on a few tracks.

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