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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Poll: 98% Of People Picture Run-Down Strip Mall Parking Lot When Word 'America' Said

WASHINGTON DC— A new poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that, when asked to provide their immediate reaction to the sound of the word “America,” 98 percent of respondents replied by describing the sight of a near-empty parking lot of a decrepit suburban strip mall on a late February afternoon. “We've found that in nearly all instances the image that comes to peoples' minds within milliseconds of the word ‘America’ being said is a small strip mall in northern Virginia, southern Missouri, or possibly somewhere outside of Indianapolis, featuring a checks cashed place, a cell-phone store, and an L.A. Tan with three customers inside,” said lead researcher Graham Tierney, adding that the identical tableau visualized by the vast majority of test subjects also included weeds growing through cracks in the asphalt, a Mountain Dew Code Red can rolling on the ground, and a grey overcast sky. “The lone variable we found was whether or not respondents also imagined a car idling while playing ‘Heaven’ by Los Lonely Boys with the windows down. Those subjects who did not imagine this element instead heard either the distant sound of a baby crying or the plaintive bark of a faraway dog.” Graham added that every single test subject became visibly downcast and requested that researchers not say that word to them again.

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