adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll: 99% Of Human Beings Would Prefer Big, Slobbery Hound Dog Pope

WASHINGTON—Ahead of the College of Cardinals’ upcoming conclave to select a new pope, a Gallup poll conducted this week found that 99 percent of the global population would prefer that the next head of the Roman Catholic Church be a large, slobbery hound dog with big, saggy jowls. “When presented with a variety of options, respondents across all demographics were nearly unanimous in voicing their preference that Vatican ceremonies, including Easter and Christmas masses, be presided over by a droopy-eyed basset hound with a big, tall pope hat sitting atop his floppy ol’ ears,” said pollster Diane Warnell, who noted that well over 9 out of 10 of those surveyed, including Catholics, expressed a strong desire to see a ceremonially clad dog pontiff roll around on his back in St. Peter’s Basilica, bark to a large crowd of worshippers from a Vatican balcony, or place his front paws up on a table and steal a ham sandwich right off of someone’s plate. “The remaining 1 percent of respondents, however, said they would be open to a hound dog pope if the big guy tuckered himself out after a day of sniffing and chasing and took a doggy nap right there on the altar.” According to numerous reports and allegations, the only hound dog in contention for pope, Cardinal Bruiser, is believed to have sniffed the genitals of at least 32 minors.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close