Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail

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Vol 41 Issue 01

Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives

COLUMBUS, OH (Sept. 27)—Seeking to broaden his appeal among undecided voters, President Bush unveiled a new set of blind-faith-based initiatives during a campaign stop in the battleground state of Ohio Sunday. According to a senior staff member, the sweeping initiatives—which address such complex matters as climate change, the faltering economy, and challenges to American security at home and abroad—are founded on the unquestioned assumption that the Bush Administration will "take care of everything." "My blind-faith initiatives are far-reaching, and like many large issues, they are simple," Bush said. "I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record. After all, naysaying is no substitute for real governance." Officials from the newly created Office Of Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives were at church and unavailable for comment.

Lesser-Known Celebrity Trials

The year brought a number of celebrity trials, but few received as much attention as thoses of Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart. What were some of 2004's lesser-known celebrity trails?

Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month

WASHINGTON, DC (Jan. 14)—To revive U.S. interest in manned space exploration, President Bush called on NASA Wednesday to put an astronaut on the moon before it vanishes at the month's end. "The moon has already shrunk to nearly a quarter of its size," Bush said in his speech at NASA headquarters. "That means we have less than a week to move. But I do believe America has the strength, determination, and old-fashioned know-how to get a man atop the moon before it disappears altogether." The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.

Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise

ALBANY, NY (Nov. 14)—Americans have never been more aware of the dangers of weight gain, nor have they ever weighed so much, according to a SUNY-Binghamton study released Monday.

Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At All-Time Low

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (June 13)—U.S. Olympic Committee Chief Executive Jim Scherr announced Thursday that the risk of contracting Olympic Fever, the virulent international strain of athletic obsession that sweeps the nation every four years, has dropped to a historic low.

Yankees Lose World Series

NEW YORK (Oct. 27)—Many baseball fans were disappointed Wednesday when the New York Yankees, 26-time world champions and the highest-paid team in baseball, did not win the 2004 World Series.

WMDs Found

TEHRAN, IRAN (June 19)—The U.S. military's long search for weapons of mass destruction ended Wednesday when state officials in North Korea and Iran admitted to having nuclear-weapons programs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail

WASHINGTON, DC (Oct. 12)—According to a poll released by the Pew Research Center Monday, Americans "feel safer" with Martha Stewart in prison.

Martha Stewart, who is now safely behind bars.

"Martha Stewart is a menace to society," said Jolene Lim, a receptionist from Baton Rouge, LA. "She sold nearly 4,000 shares of ImClone on an insider tip, then alleged her innocence in her own magazine. Thank God she's behind bars. Now I can sleep soundly at night."

Lim added: "I just couldn't ever feel at ease when I knew she was out there obstructing justice and making false statements to federal officials. Even talking about it gives me the shivers."

Of the 2,500 people polled, 22 percent said they "felt safer" and 41 percent said they "felt extremely relieved" when Stewart began serving her five-month sentence at West Virginia's Alderson Prison.

"When I found out [Stewart] was behind a 10-foot-thick concrete wall, I heaved a huge sigh of relief," said Daniel McAllen, a jeweler from Newark, NJ. "If she were on the streets, who knows what sort of business maneuvering she'd be up to behind closed doors?"

"I have a family to think of," McAllen added.

Boston-area teacher Helen Greene said she had been "afraid to leave the house" before the verdict in Stewart's trial was announced.

"Martha Stewart avoided losses of $45,000 by selling that stock," Greene said. "$45,000! If they didn't put her in jail for that, people would've taken to the streets! Outraged citizens would have broken windows, overturned cars, and set fire to the courthouse."

Even citizens who said they were only vaguely familiar with the Stewart case reported feeling safer after her conviction.

"I don't know the technical aspects of it, but I know that Martha Stewart did something with the stock market," Chicago welder Marvin Manckowicz said. "I'm not sure if she was selling her own stock or someone else's, but I do know that everyone said it was wrong. I breathed easier when I found out she wasn't going to be doing any more of that again for five months."

Of those polled, 62 percent said the five-month sentence was inadequate, with 46 percent of those believing that Stewart should have been imprisoned for 10 years or longer, and 3 percent expressing the belief that she should have received a life sentence.

Prosecutor Karen Patton Seymour said that, in addition to the five-month prison sentence, Stewart has been sentenced to five months of home confinement and two years of probation.

"Even after she's out of prison, she'll be kept under close watch," Seymour said. "No one is going to forget what she did."

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