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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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Poll Finds 68% Of Iowans Turned On By Knowledge Whole Nation Watching

DES MOINES, IA—With national media attention ramping up in preparation for next week’s Iowa caucuses, a poll released Monday by Drake University found that two-thirds of Iowans are turned on by the knowledge the whole country is watching them. “All those people staring at us, eagerly watching our every move, feasting their eyes on our polling data—it really gets me going,” said Des Moines public school teacher Ashley Tierney, echoing the sentiments of thousands of her fellow Iowans, who reported that the thought of so many Americans focused intently on their state engaging in the democratic process left them feeling exposed and violated, and that they enjoy it. “Just think of how many voters are looking at us right now, completely unable to participate in the caucuses themselves; they just have to sit there and watch. Mmm. Oh, my, I think I need to sit down.” A visibly flushed Tierney then bit her lower lip and told reporters she was excited to “put on a little show” for onlookers by doing something very naughty and voting against her personal interests.

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Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:

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