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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Poll Finds 68% Of Iowans Turned On By Knowledge Whole Nation Watching

DES MOINES, IA—With national media attention ramping up in preparation for next week’s Iowa caucuses, a poll released Monday by Drake University found that two-thirds of Iowans are turned on by the knowledge the whole country is watching them. “All those people staring at us, eagerly watching our every move, feasting their eyes on our polling data—it really gets me going,” said Des Moines public school teacher Ashley Tierney, echoing the sentiments of thousands of her fellow Iowans, who reported that the thought of so many Americans focused intently on their state engaging in the democratic process left them feeling exposed and violated, and that they enjoy it. “Just think of how many voters are looking at us right now, completely unable to participate in the caucuses themselves; they just have to sit there and watch. Mmm. Oh, my, I think I need to sit down.” A visibly flushed Tierney then bit her lower lip and told reporters she was excited to “put on a little show” for onlookers by doing something very naughty and voting against her personal interests.

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