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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head

WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to entertain the idea of using a third type. "Well, I've never had a problem with my Phillips or my flathead, but if the question is would I reject a new screwdriver head outright without even trying it first, then the answer is no, I don't think I would," said Tulsa, OK resident Joe Reynolds, adding that when it comes to new ways to tighten and fasten screws, he remains "skeptical but open-minded." "Now, if the third type of screwdriver head didn't work as well as the two I'm currently accustomed to, then that would be a different story; if that were the case, then I would not be inclined to use it." Despite the poll results, numerous hardware manufacturers have confirmed they currently have no plans to manufacture or release a third screwdriver head.

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