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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head

WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to entertain the idea of using a third type. "Well, I've never had a problem with my Phillips or my flathead, but if the question is would I reject a new screwdriver head outright without even trying it first, then the answer is no, I don't think I would," said Tulsa, OK resident Joe Reynolds, adding that when it comes to new ways to tighten and fasten screws, he remains "skeptical but open-minded." "Now, if the third type of screwdriver head didn't work as well as the two I'm currently accustomed to, then that would be a different story; if that were the case, then I would not be inclined to use it." Despite the poll results, numerous hardware manufacturers have confirmed they currently have no plans to manufacture or release a third screwdriver head.

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