adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Candidate Most Americans Want To Have 8-Ounce Glass Of Tap Water With

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll released Tuesday, the majority of registered voters in the U.S. chose Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton as the candidate they would most like to have an 8-ounce glass of tap water with. “Roughly 68 percent of the likely voters we surveyed said that among the current field of presidential hopefuls, they would prefer to drink a small paper cup of room-temperature water with Hillary Clinton,” said researcher Rachel Glenn, who added that both registered Democrats and Republicans said they could readily see themselves standing next to Clinton in front of a kitchen sink or beside a water cooler, with both nodding politely at each other’s pleasantries while they took sips from their respective cups. “Unlike a Donald Trump or a Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton is widely considered by Americans to be the kind of person they could spend a minute or so with until they finished their glass of water before quietly walking away. That quality isn’t something a candidate can just learn, but Clinton has it.” Glenn noted that this issue could be crucial when it comes time for Americans to resign themselves to one candidate in November.


WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close