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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Candidate Most Americans Want To Have 8-Ounce Glass Of Tap Water With

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll released Tuesday, the majority of registered voters in the U.S. chose Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton as the candidate they would most like to have an 8-ounce glass of tap water with. “Roughly 68 percent of the likely voters we surveyed said that among the current field of presidential hopefuls, they would prefer to drink a small paper cup of room-temperature water with Hillary Clinton,” said researcher Rachel Glenn, who added that both registered Democrats and Republicans said they could readily see themselves standing next to Clinton in front of a kitchen sink or beside a water cooler, with both nodding politely at each other’s pleasantries while they took sips from their respective cups. “Unlike a Donald Trump or a Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton is widely considered by Americans to be the kind of person they could spend a minute or so with until they finished their glass of water before quietly walking away. That quality isn’t something a candidate can just learn, but Clinton has it.” Glenn noted that this issue could be crucial when it comes time for Americans to resign themselves to one candidate in November.


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