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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Have Never Met Willem Dafoe

WASHINGTON—According to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll released this week, a sizeable majority of U.S. citizens have never met acclaimed film actor and two-time Oscar nominee Willem Dafoe. “The survey data suggests that as many as 99 percent of Americans have not had the experience of meeting Dafoe, either casually or by being formally introduced,” statistician Colin Braithwaite said, adding that when asked, a similar percentage reported never having engaged in a conversation, dined with, or even nodded in passing at the Platoon and Spider-Man star. “Although some people such as Wes Anderson and Tom Berenger have met Dafoe, they amount to a tiny fragment of the larger population. For most people, Willem Dafoe just isn’t someone they have met.” Among those who acknowledged never meeting Dafoe, 87 percent responded positively when asked if they were open to one day meeting the 58-year-old dramatic actor.

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