adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Have Never Met Willem Dafoe

WASHINGTON—According to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll released this week, a sizeable majority of U.S. citizens have never met acclaimed film actor and two-time Oscar nominee Willem Dafoe. “The survey data suggests that as many as 99 percent of Americans have not had the experience of meeting Dafoe, either casually or by being formally introduced,” statistician Colin Braithwaite said, adding that when asked, a similar percentage reported never having engaged in a conversation, dined with, or even nodded in passing at the Platoon and Spider-Man star. “Although some people such as Wes Anderson and Tom Berenger have met Dafoe, they amount to a tiny fragment of the larger population. For most people, Willem Dafoe just isn’t someone they have met.” Among those who acknowledged never meeting Dafoe, 87 percent responded positively when asked if they were open to one day meeting the 58-year-old dramatic actor.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings