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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once

UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up. "For once in my life, it would be cool if things didn't suddenly fall apart right when they started going my way," said poll respondent Esther Lau, who listed finally catching a break as one of her personal goals for 2012. "Suppose, for example, that instead of turning into a total disaster in the end, events worked themselves out in a way that was favorable, or at least okay for the most part. That's a situation I would be amenable to." The remaining 28 percent of Americans agreed that everything was just fine, and why would this even be a question someone would ask in the first place?

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