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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day

NEW YORK—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Friday, only 83 percent of New York City’s population—or barely 7 million residents—visit and tour the Statue of Liberty daily. “We were surprised to find that nearly one in five New Yorkers do not set aside several hours each day to ride a ferry to Liberty Island, snap pictures around and within Lady Liberty, and listen to lectures by park rangers on the statue’s history and cultural significance,” said Gallup demographer Lindsay Abraham, adding that although the majority of New York citizens wake up before work to visit the Statue of Liberty’s crown each weekday morning, most only take in the view for a maximum of 40 minutes before leaving. “Perhaps most interestingly, residents of the New York metropolitan area tend to spend a mere five hours every week watching Statue of Liberty–related documentaries in the island’s information center and museum. It may be for this reason that the purchase of gift shop items such as Statue of Liberty–themed T-shirts, snow globes, and novelty hats accounts for a mere $4,800 annually out of the average New Yorker’s pocket.” Abraham added that researchers were further shocked to discover that barely three-fourths of New York residents could recite from memory the entire Emma Lazarus poem “The New Colossus” mounted inside the statue’s pedestal.

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