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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Remember Where They Were When Gandalf Fell Into Abyss

WASHINGTON—Stating that the extremely traumatic nature of the event appeared to have left many respondents with unusually strong and vivid memories, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday revealing that most Americans can still recall exactly where they were when Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss at the Mines of Moria. “I distinctly remember my dad and I sitting in front of the living room TV as we watched Gandalf fall—I remember just staring in total shock,” said Peter Lee of Anaheim, CA, one of the 1,500 individuals surveyed for the poll, which found that many Americans possessed near-photographic memories of their precise location, who they were with, as well as the emotions experienced upon seeing Balrog wrap his fiery whip around Gandalf’s legs. “We couldn’t believe it was actually happening. That moment is seared into my brain. I’ll never forget watching Gandalf tumble down and say ‘Fly, you fools’ just before plummeting into the darkness. Things were never really the same again after that.” The poll also showed that many Americans later struggled to broach the subject of Gandalf falling into the bottomless pit with their young children.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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