Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

MARSHFIELD, MA—With an increasing variety of news media options, including 24-hour cable channels, websites, and blogs, more Americans have been tuning out traditional newscasts and turning to local resident Beverly Tollefsen for their news, a poll released Monday shows.

Trusted newswoman Bev Tollefsen.

According to the poll, 42 percent of Americans rely on Bev to keep them informed of the top news events. Only 37 percent said they get their news from network or cable TV. The remaining 21 percent rely on newspapers and radio, though 8 percent of that group does not form a strong opinion on the news "until chatting with Bev first."

Adults over 55 lead the shift, with two-thirds saying they consider Bev a top source of national news.

A local news source since 1974, 54-year-old Bev burst on the scene with her coverage of the Whitewater scandal, which she called "just awful" in her now-historic Shop Rite Address.

Since then, a growing number of Americans have tuned into Bev's reports—from her admonishing and sometimes blushing coverage of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal in her front yard in the '90s, to her remarks on the contested election of 2000 to fellow bowlers at Alley Kat Lanes.

Bev's popularity has soared in recent years, thanks largely to her position on the corner of Library Plaza and Webster Street, looking out over more than six other homes. Neighbors and passersby tune in for Bev's greetings and news of the day, which she introduces with her trademark lead-in: "Have you been following all this news that's been going on?"

Andrew Kohut, director of the Pew Research Center, said America's shift toward Bev results in part from her ubiquity.

"Bev is looming larger as a news presence," Kohut said. "Appearing live from locales ranging from the hairdresser's chair to the doctor's office waiting room, Bev goes places traditional media can't."

Reports indicate that programmers in the fiercely competitive field of television news have been looking for their own Bevs. CBS Evening News producer Chris Weicher said the network was hoping that the recently hired anchor Shirley, a 57-year-old Mt. Horeb, WI resident, would "Bev up" its broadcasts.

"We wanted someone with a compelling, no-nonsense edge," Weicher said. "Someone who wasn't afraid to deliver the news in curlers and a nightgown."

Media analyst Aaron Lenz credits Bev's success to the public's increasing media sophistication, and growing frustration with mainstream media. "Today's news consumers want a maternal, non-threatening voice they can trust. Bev has given Americans a reason to believe in news again," Lenz said.

Loyal Bev watcher Kent Miellerson agreed. "I can't relate to the mainstream media elites. But Bev—she's just like you and me, so I trust her. Also, she's my aunt."

Despite fervent praise from her loyal listeners, Bev's critics allege that she is often unreliable. "Sometimes, like in the weeks after Sept. 11, Bev simply stops paying attention to the news, saying that it 'makes her sick just thinking about all of it,'" said retiree Gladys Hager, who claims Bev once devoted an entire report to endorsing a brand of fabric softener she preferred. "And she'll go on sudden, indefinite hiatuses, like if her daughter returns from college or her bursitis starts acting up."

She added: "I lent Bev's husband my hedge trimmers, and still haven't gotten them back. I'm supposed to rely on this woman for my news?"