Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

MARSHFIELD, MA—With an increasing variety of news media options, including 24-hour cable channels, websites, and blogs, more Americans have been tuning out traditional newscasts and turning to local resident Beverly Tollefsen for their news, a poll released Monday shows.

Trusted newswoman Bev Tollefsen.

According to the poll, 42 percent of Americans rely on Bev to keep them informed of the top news events. Only 37 percent said they get their news from network or cable TV. The remaining 21 percent rely on newspapers and radio, though 8 percent of that group does not form a strong opinion on the news "until chatting with Bev first."

Adults over 55 lead the shift, with two-thirds saying they consider Bev a top source of national news.

A local news source since 1974, 54-year-old Bev burst on the scene with her coverage of the Whitewater scandal, which she called "just awful" in her now-historic Shop Rite Address.

Since then, a growing number of Americans have tuned into Bev's reports—from her admonishing and sometimes blushing coverage of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal in her front yard in the '90s, to her remarks on the contested election of 2000 to fellow bowlers at Alley Kat Lanes.

Bev's popularity has soared in recent years, thanks largely to her position on the corner of Library Plaza and Webster Street, looking out over more than six other homes. Neighbors and passersby tune in for Bev's greetings and news of the day, which she introduces with her trademark lead-in: "Have you been following all this news that's been going on?"

Andrew Kohut, director of the Pew Research Center, said America's shift toward Bev results in part from her ubiquity.

"Bev is looming larger as a news presence," Kohut said. "Appearing live from locales ranging from the hairdresser's chair to the doctor's office waiting room, Bev goes places traditional media can't."

Reports indicate that programmers in the fiercely competitive field of television news have been looking for their own Bevs. CBS Evening News producer Chris Weicher said the network was hoping that the recently hired anchor Shirley, a 57-year-old Mt. Horeb, WI resident, would "Bev up" its broadcasts.

"We wanted someone with a compelling, no-nonsense edge," Weicher said. "Someone who wasn't afraid to deliver the news in curlers and a nightgown."

Media analyst Aaron Lenz credits Bev's success to the public's increasing media sophistication, and growing frustration with mainstream media. "Today's news consumers want a maternal, non-threatening voice they can trust. Bev has given Americans a reason to believe in news again," Lenz said.

Loyal Bev watcher Kent Miellerson agreed. "I can't relate to the mainstream media elites. But Bev—she's just like you and me, so I trust her. Also, she's my aunt."

Despite fervent praise from her loyal listeners, Bev's critics allege that she is often unreliable. "Sometimes, like in the weeks after Sept. 11, Bev simply stops paying attention to the news, saying that it 'makes her sick just thinking about all of it,'" said retiree Gladys Hager, who claims Bev once devoted an entire report to endorsing a brand of fabric softener she preferred. "And she'll go on sudden, indefinite hiatuses, like if her daughter returns from college or her bursitis starts acting up."

She added: "I lent Bev's husband my hedge trimmers, and still haven't gotten them back. I'm supposed to rely on this woman for my news?"