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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator

WASHINGTON—A new poll of the Missouri electorate reported this week that Sen. Claire McCaskill holds a tenuous lead in the state’s Senate race over Rep. Todd Akin, essentially revealing that you live in a nation where a man who is deeply and irrefutably mentally ill can nevertheless stand a solid chance of winning higher office. “Current data shows that, contrary to any conventional notions of human reason or logic, a man with a questionable grasp on reality is evidently quite able to attain a prominent government position in the nation you are a citizen of,” said researcher Donald Schur, noting that the man in question currently holds a one-percent lead, “yes, lead,” in several other similar election polls. “That’s right, you, the average citizen, live in a country where a human being deep in the throes of delusion can not only be elected to higher office on six prior occasions, but may in fact be voted into office again despite his psychological instability being put on full display in the most spectacular fashion imaginable. This is the place where you live, and work, and pay taxes.” Researchers also noted that, according to recent evidence, this kind of thing actually doesn’t surprise you too much anymore.

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