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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown enters its second week, a recent CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Monday that an overwhelming majority of Americans just can’t find it in their hearts to blame congressmen for the ongoing impasse, especially not with those adorable little faces of theirs. “I’m obviously upset that our elected officials can’t work together to figure out a reasonable budget resolution, but honestly, how could you ever stay mad at those cutie pies?” said 46-year-old Silver Spring, MD resident Daniel Hadler, one of the 78 percent of Americans who want to pinch congressmen and women right on their big chubby cheeks, while a further 91 percent said they would love to put the lawmakers between two slices of bread and just eat them right up. “Have you ever seen anything so precious in your whole life? I mean, look at them—dressed up in their little suits with their big-boy ties on, huffing and puffing around the Capitol building. You can’t be angry when your heart’s practically melting.” At press time, 94 percent of Americans were about to lash out at the legislative branch, but after taking one look at Congressman Ken Calvert’s sweet punim, decided that all they could do was pick the little guy up, squeeze him tight, and give him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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