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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t

WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown enters its second week, a recent CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Monday that an overwhelming majority of Americans just can’t find it in their hearts to blame congressmen for the ongoing impasse, especially not with those adorable little faces of theirs. “I’m obviously upset that our elected officials can’t work together to figure out a reasonable budget resolution, but honestly, how could you ever stay mad at those cutie pies?” said 46-year-old Silver Spring, MD resident Daniel Hadler, one of the 78 percent of Americans who want to pinch congressmen and women right on their big chubby cheeks, while a further 91 percent said they would love to put the lawmakers between two slices of bread and just eat them right up. “Have you ever seen anything so precious in your whole life? I mean, look at them—dressed up in their little suits with their big-boy ties on, huffing and puffing around the Capitol building. You can’t be angry when your heart’s practically melting.” At press time, 94 percent of Americans were about to lash out at the legislative branch, but after taking one look at Congressman Ken Calvert’s sweet punim, decided that all they could do was pick the little guy up, squeeze him tight, and give him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek.

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