adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll: Support For Afghanistan War Up Among Americans Who Love Horrible Situations

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a Gallup poll conducted last month, support for the U.S. occupation of Afghanistan has surged among Americans who absolutely adore horrible situations. "Overall, there was a 95 percent approval rating among citizens who hope to deal with their child being kidnapped some day," Gallup representative Wendy Timmins said Wednesday, adding that the conflict was particularly popular among individuals looking forward to undergoing chemotherapy treatments for pancreatic cancer. "We also found a massive overlap between those who support the war and those who said they enjoyed having their homes foreclosed on, carbon-monoxide poisoning enthusiasts, and people open to the idea of having needles shoved into their own eyes." In sharp contrast to these findings, Gallup released another poll showing that talk of troop withdrawal had led to a sharp decline of support for the White House's Afghanistan policy among people who enjoy intractable conundrums.

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close