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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Poll: Ted Cruz Currently Leads Among Voters Disputing Boundaries Of Neighbor’s Yard

HAMDEN, CT—According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Monday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz now holds a considerable lead among voters who are currently locked in a months-long dispute over the boundaries of their neighbors’ yards. “We found that 74 percent of homeowners who have angrily confronted a neighbor to explain precisely why the property line as presently demarcated is actually off by several feet strongly favor Cruz for president,” said pollster Adelia Mayhew, noting the Texas senator was also the top choice of voters who had interrupted a town council meeting—land record printouts in hand—to demand that action be taken against the offending resident. “Furthermore, while Cruz enjoys a roughly 35 percent lead with voters who have taken it upon themselves to cut down tree limbs they believe extend onto their side of the lawn, he commands greater than 80 percent support among voters who, after months of heated arguments, hire someone to build a 7-foot-high fence along the disputed boundary while their neighbor is away at work.” Mayhew added, however, that Cruz dropped to second place among those voters currently packing powerful explosives into old tree stumps on their property they wish to remove.

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