adBlockCheck

Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Poll: Ted Cruz Currently Leads Among Voters Disputing Boundaries Of Neighbor’s Yard

HAMDEN, CT—According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Monday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz now holds a considerable lead among voters who are currently locked in a months-long dispute over the boundaries of their neighbors’ yards. “We found that 74 percent of homeowners who have angrily confronted a neighbor to explain precisely why the property line as presently demarcated is actually off by several feet strongly favor Cruz for president,” said pollster Adelia Mayhew, noting the Texas senator was also the top choice of voters who had interrupted a town council meeting—land record printouts in hand—to demand that action be taken against the offending resident. “Furthermore, while Cruz enjoys a roughly 35 percent lead with voters who have taken it upon themselves to cut down tree limbs they believe extend onto their side of the lawn, he commands greater than 80 percent support among voters who, after months of heated arguments, hire someone to build a 7-foot-high fence along the disputed boundary while their neighbor is away at work.” Mayhew added, however, that Cruz dropped to second place among those voters currently packing powerful explosives into old tree stumps on their property they wish to remove.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close