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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot

GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual encounters with various female candidates as he read through the names listed on his ballot. “Banged her, fucked her, boned the shit out of her, got a tug job from that one, went down on her,” said Biden, scanning through a list that included Jill Stein, Cheri Honkala, Karen Weldin Stewart, Cheryl Anne Valenzuela, and nine-time Delaware state Rep. Deborah D. Hudson. “She sucked me off in ’86 after a fundraiser in Wilmington. Oh, brother, Debbie Hudson had the thickest bush I’d ever seen. That thing would get so soaked when we went at it.” Poll workers also reportedly overheard the vice president loudly recalling that he had recently been in a “foursome” that included Delaware gubernatorial candidates Jack A. Markell and Jeffrey E. Cragg.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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